Ogden Nash

1902-1971

Sarah Josepha Hale Award, 1964

“You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.”

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

“The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.”

“Progress is a fine thing, but it's gone on long enough.”

COFFEE WITH THE MEAL

by Ogden Nash

A gentlemanly gentleman, as mild as May,

Entered a restaurant famed and gay.

A waiter sat him in a droughty seat

And laughingly inquired what he'd like to eat.

"Oh I don't want venison, I don't want veal,

But I do insist on coffee with the meal.

Bring me clams in a chilly group,

And a large tureen of vegetable soup,

Steak as tender as a maiden's dream,

With lots of potatoes hashed in cream,

And a lettuce and tomato salad, please,

And crackers and a bit of Roquefort cheese,

But waiter, the gist of my appeal,

Is coffee with, coffee with, coffee with the meal."

The waiter groaned and he wrung his hands;

"Perhaps the headwaiter understands."

Said the sleek headwaiter, like a snobbish seal,

"What, monsieur? Coffee with the meal?"

His lip drew up in scornful laughter;

"Monsieur desires a demitasse after!"

The gentleman's eyes grew hard as steel,

He said, "I'm ordering coffee with the meal.

Hot black coffee in a great big cup,

Fuming, steaming, filled right up.

I don't want coffee iced in a glass,

And I don't want a miserable demitasse,

But what I'll have, come woe, come weal,

Is coffee with, coffee with, coffee with the meal."

The headwaiter bowed like a poppy in the breeze;

"Monsieur desires coffee with the salad or the cheese?"

Monsieur said, "Now you're getting warmer;

Coffee with the latter, coffee with the former;

Coffee with the steak, coffee with the soup,

Coffee with the clams in a chilly group;

Yes, and with a cocktail I could do,

So bring me coffee with the cocktail, too.

I'll fight to the death for my bright ideal,

Which is coffee with, coffee with, coffee with the meal."

The headwaiter swiveled on a graceful heel;

"Certainly, certainly, coffee with the meal!"

Oh, what a glow did Monsieur feel

At the warming vision of coffee with the meal,

One hour later Monsieur, alas!

Got his coffee in a demitasse.

Personal note: I could say that Ogden Nash is the patron saint of my family. Evenings my father would read to us kids flashing his mischievous grin, delighting in witnessing our reactions to Nash’s humorous word play.